Benevolent Lying

Last night I lied to my mom. And the night before. And the night before that. It’s intentional, deliberate...planned. It’s a conspiracy of lies and it’s actually a method of treatment for Alzheimer’s patients. Of course the method isn’t called lying, it’s called pleasant distraction, experts have been working on this new approach the past ten years: http://www.ksby.com/news/new-approach-to-alzheimer-s-disease-has-caregivers-escaping-reality-with-the-patient/.

I completely understand the point of this method. Imagine, for example, if you had to learn, every time you asked, that your beloved pet was dead over and over and over because your mind has no capacity to store the information – it almost borders on cruelty. That’s why it’s effective – it eases her pain and spares her from the difficult realities that were her life but are no longer now that she’s passed into this new phase.

There is backlash, though, because this is the reality for me: I know I’m lying. It completely goes against everything I’ve been raised to practice and really, against what I believe is right. It creates this emotional dissonance...to make her life easier, I must be something – somebody - I don’t want to be. It is a little like death of a thousand cuts...each lie a little pierce at my heart.

It’s not as if lying comes naturally to me. It’s not like I can just think on my feet, coming up with plausible stories with every new question she throws at me. So I “um” and “uhhh” and “I don’t know” a lot. And she does ask questions because she’s high-functioning enough to know that she’s not where she wants to be. Unfortunately, she’s also low-functioning enough not to realize, as we have, that she won’t be happy anywhere she lives again. The truth is the problem isn’t in her surroundings – it’s in her brain.

This will continue for I don’t know how long - the disease will be the determiner. The necessity for ‘lying’ will disappear as the Alzheimer's takes more control of her mind and she progresses into the no-man’s land of the advanced stages of the illness.

They say ignorance is bliss...I understand more, now than ever, how true that can be.